If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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