She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
