I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
