Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
