if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
