I think my vagina is haunted
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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