Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
