Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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