she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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