I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
