made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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