is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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