somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
sarcasm needs its own font
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
