we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
