I just threw up on my dentist
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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