it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just had sex bonerless
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
