he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
