my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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