Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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