I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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