I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
