My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
