Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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