Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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