If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
