just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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