i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
