Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
