how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
