So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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