if you like me you must not know who I am
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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