So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
