At least make sure they are 18
Why
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
