Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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