apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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