I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
