Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
