I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i think i just lost a toe
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
