I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You took a bar mat shot.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My life is pants optional.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
