My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have fence marks all over my body
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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