Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
