If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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