I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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