Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
