Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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