thus making me awesome and them whores
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
