We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
