Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
