I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize