this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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