Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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