So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
