the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
