Will you blow on my dice?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
