I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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