My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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